I was home this weekend, nothing happening, had a few beers.
I sat at the computer to write a letter to a relative back East. When I woke up, THIS was on the screen.
OK - which one of you did this???????????
The Day Before Christmas
Twas the day before Christmas and out in the clear
Came my very last 6 pack of fresh, ice cold beer
Mama in the kitchen and the kids still at school
I looked at the beer and started to drool
I know I had promised not to drink too much
But, that beer looked so good, I just had to touch
“Just one couldn’t hurt” was my first thought
I’m sure its OK, if I just don’t get caught.
I coughed as I popped that first beer with a “Pfffssst”
I scrunched my eyes shut, praying the sound she had missed.
I opened one eye as I looked at my wife
If she heard it, I though, I’m scared for my life.
The light in the kitchen glowed bright through the door
I opened eye two and stared to see more
Had she heard it or not? I had some misgiving,
Was I dead in my tracks? Or could I go on living?
She just kept on cooking, I saw from my seat
So I told my heart “Go on, you can beat”
With a sigh I lifted the can to my lip
Turned from the kitchen and took a big sip
The taste that I got from that first taste of beer
Reminded me this was the season of Cheer
My parents, my sister, my kids - all here with each other
We’d have so much fun - but then there’s my wife’s Mother
With no place else to go, she has to come here
With that thought in mind, I finished that beer!
She’s due here in a few hours, spending the night
The “Grinch” here in person, oh - what a fright
Beer two was a gimme, I can’t take her straight
It’s 5:30 now - she’ll be here at 8!
It’s so good - cold beer - no matter the reason
Helps get me through this tough Yule time Season
With two down the hatch, I looked at the rest
I’d better not drink them, If I know whats best
In an hour, at the airport the Grinch would arrive
My wife and kids went to get her - a one hour drive
What happened next, you may not think true,
But it happened, I swear - would I lie to you?
Down the chimney came a fat guy, his red suit all gray
My mouth flew open, with nothing to say.
In his hand was a six pack of my kind of beer
I still don’t believe it - Santa stood there!
Now - I hadn’t believed in Santa for many a year
But my eyes do not lie - he was standing right here!
He shook off the ashes and walked to a chair
A noticeable wobble as he walked over there
A smile came to his face, as he plopped himself down
“It’s too early now to deliver to this town”
“It’s time for a beer, a short nap I might take,
When it gets dark, make sure I’m awake”
As he open a beer, he motioned to me
“It’s OK, you too. No one will see.”
Although I knew better, what could I do?
I couldn’t let him drink alone, would you?
Beer three was now opened, ready for me to drink
I’m drinking with Santa - what would the kids think?
“You can’t tell them”, He said “There’s my image at stake,
I can just see their faces, what a sight that would make!”
“Where’s the presents”, I asked, “The sleigh, the reindeer?
I’d don’t hear them or see them, I know they’re not here”
“The elves dropped me off” he said. “I needed a rest.
I’ve had a few beers, I’m tired - they thought it was best.
“They’re making my stops, bringing children their toys
You know they come first, little girls and small boys.
“They’ll be back to get me, we’ve done this before
Then we’ll finish my rounds, its not such a chore.”
He finished his second, then he reached for one more
I had to stay with him, so I opened beer four.
Now I don’t know how many Santa had before he came here,
Or what time the elves would return, or from where.
At my house, however, I watched him drink three
Then close his eyes for a nap, completely care-free
I had Beer five and beer six as I watched lay in my chair
A sprinkling of ashes still clinging to his hair.
I saw the smile on his face and how peaceful he seemed
I watched as he napped, wondering of what he dreamed
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
The six beers that I drank then took effect
I fell over the table - oh, what a wreck!
Through eyes slightly blurred, from my spot on the floor
There’s two elves in this room - wait, there’s two more!
They quickly woke Santa, with a gentle shake, I believe
“Come on, big fella. It’s time for you to leave.”
“There’s still plenty of places that we haven’t been
To disappoint all those children would be a great sin”
Santa stood up, gave a deep practice “Ho, Ho”
Picked up his empties, told the Elves “OK, Lets Go!”
With a big smile on his face he turned back my way
“You can put up with the Grinch - it’s only one day!”
As he and his helpers left me alone on that day
I knew I would make it - what else could I say.
Then I closed my eyes, on the couch I laid back
When next thing I knew, I awoke with a Smack!
My eyelids flew open, I tried to jump to my feet
But six beer then took over, the floor I did meet.
I looked up at them all, as my wife glared down at me
If they knew about Santa, I knew how happy they’d be!
I yelled “Santa was here!” but that’s not what came out
“Hanta wath herth” is what I actually did shout.
I tried to get up, but the floor held on tight
They all stared at me, I must be a sight!
6 empty beer cans were strewn on the floor
How could I tell them - Hey, Santa had more.
The Grinch looked at me with that “Told you so” stare
My wife’s icy look, oh what a glare!
I tried to tell of Santa, the elves and his nap
But all that came out was some drunken clap trap.
I know Santa was here, I saw him, I know did!
But I lay on the floor, sounding like a little kid.
The Grinch sneered at me, my wife was so mad
How could they know the experience I’d just had
I stopped trying to tell them and grinned ear to ear
Would they ever believe me? I just didn’t care
You see, tomorrows Christmas, and all will be well
To the Grinch and my family, the tale I will tell.
They still won’t believe that Santa was here
They’ll be convinced it was all from the beer.
I’ll tolerate the Grinch for the next day or two
I’ll just remember, that’s what Santa told me to do
For Christmas is here, the season of peace and great joy
I remember the feeling from when I was a boy
I got up early the next morning, before the day broke,
Went down to the Grinch, and all my kin folk
The kids opened their presents, this is clothing, this a toy
The whole house was filled with great Christmas joy
One present left unopened, still under the tree
Who was it addressed to - my gosh - it’s to me
Inside was a six-pack of my favorite beer
The note said “From Santa, Great Christmas Cheer!”
No one would believes me, who I drank with that night
But I know the truth - and you know - that’s all right!